I have been putting this blog post off for quite some time. And I haven't a clue why. I'm afraid of starting controversy I think, so I'm trying my hardest not to. I don't consider myself an expert... no where close. (Chad & I celebrated our 6 year anniversary just last month but if you know me/us at all you know it hasn't always been easy. We've been through a lot and even broke up once, but we've made it work. It's all I want. I know that. I try not to make excuses, but people change a lot from age 16 to almost 23 and changing together is a big struggle, so needless to say, I'm very proud of us.) But I participate in and observe romantic relationships daily. They intrigue me. Why do some work? Why don't others? Why do some people date for years and then suddenly break up, or divorce soon after marrying? Why do marriages that occur a mere 2 months after meeting last forever?
I don't know. And I don't claim to know. But I do have girlfriends. And my girlfriends, aside from being the rocks of my life, like to gab about relationships. Our relationships. Other people's relationships. Come on, we are girls, and we definitely aren't perfect.
I sent a text message to Emily the other day asking why some second marriages seem to work out better, produce happier couples/families, and last longer than first marriages? The answer she replied with may seem obvious... that she thinks people mature and have a better idea of what they're looking for in relationships. It does seem as though people get married very quickly and young, and who am I to say that this is true, but I sometimes wonder if they don't go into the marriage with a little voice in the back of their head reminding them that "it's okay to leave and get out if they're 'unhappy'." I have to assume at least some people go into marriage with this thought, considering our divorce rate in America.
I'm a far cry from a DOMA supporter, but I like the idea of marriage, or at lifetime-lasting relationships. We see them. We see people who weren't always the happiest, but is that really that important? (You're probably beginning to judge me, but wait... I'm making a point, I promise.) How on earth is one expected to be happy every single day in a 50+ year marriage? That's ignorant and unrealistic. A friend of mine celebrated her 25th wedding anniversary a month or so ago and I sent her a text (you noticing that I text a lot?) congratulating her and then asking for advise. As I said, I want that relationship, ya know? I'm a child of divorce so I like talking to good marriages and figuring out the hows and whys. She told me that the grass is rarely greener on the other side, but that anytime I should feel like leaving, wait 6 months. Relationships will always go through ups and downs, but if you're ready to check out during a downswing, and then you wait 6 months, there will usually be an upswing in the distance. I am not (nor was she) advocating staying in marriage when things aren't going to get better. That's a personal choice and I would never want someone close to me to stay in an abusive (in any form) marriage, but rather I am referring to staying in a marriage in which you aren't necessarily on-top-of-the-world, feel like jumping his bones, obsessed/passionate/etc. every single morning when you wake up. Catch my drift?
I also had a friend tell me recently that she and her husband made a pact that as long as ONE of them was still working to make the relationship work, they would stay together. I think that's a nice "relationship contract" to have. If both of you are ready to leave, then maybe you should, ya know? But if you're unhappy, but can see that your partner is still willing to try, then maybe it's a worth a shot.
This is one of those posts where I would looooooooooooove comments/responses/etc. so we can get a sort of dialogue going. sooooo, come on followers... Monique, Emily, Megan, Amy... I love you guys and I'd really appreciate follow-up.
:)
Warning, this could get lengthy :-) I'm so glad you decided to write on this topic! As I'm getting ready to walk down the aisle myself, it's something I'm very passionate about. I feel like I've gotten a unique perspective on marriage because my parents have been married for 30 years and my future spouse comes from a family of divorce. We both feel VERY strongly that "divorce is not an option." That certainly is not a belief we take lightly, nor is it an opinion on ANYONE who chooses divorce for ANY reason - whether it's a "going of separate ways," a result of unfaithfulness, or even abuse. And it's safe to say that most couples don't get married thinking they'll ever divorce. But the reason we each feel so strongly about it is because we believe marriage is a covenant. That's stronger than a "relationship" - it's a promise. I believe that when we get married we are not only making a covenant to each other - but also to God. That promise - to be there for better or for worse - means something. And that is what keeps you together when you feel like bailing.
ReplyDeleteI like the advice your friend who is celebrating 25 years of marriage (yay!). When you're thinking about leaving - just wait. I hope NO ONE who is getting marriage has some silly idea of perfect bliss. We're human. We have flaws. And you know what? Stress, life, and selfishness take a toll on anyone and can really strain any relationship. But it's the covenant that you hold on to.
In pre-marital counseling they've talked a lot about the importance of preserving a marriage. And they've been really frank about the fact that romance can die. That sounds sooo incredibly morbid and unsexy and un-fun to talk about when you're planning a wedding, but it's honest. That doesn't mean the marriage dies - or that you don't deeply love each other and want to leave. Your friend is right - the grass isn't always greener on the other side, and obsessing over it can do so much damage to your partnership. Learning to love each other, respect each other and find great companionship together is what a marriage covenant is about. And like you said, people change over the years! It's a struggle to bend and mold together. But when you say your marriage vows you become one person - so you must learn to change in a way that keeps you together.
That sounds weird to even type, and I'm not sure that's the best way to even say it. But it all comes down to the covenant - the promise you make in marriage. To stay together until the end.
They've also talked about making your relationship a priority. It's easy to let your job, your kids, and even other family members take priority or distract us. I remember my youth pastor talking about how he loves his wife more than his kids. That sounded so odd to me! How could he say that? But then he made his point. You marry your spouse, you are blessed with children, your children grow and leave and you're left with your wife. THAT's the partnership that matters. Losing focus on that can put our entire life out of whack. Making time for each other, communicating with each other, and putting our relationship with our spouse above that with our kids, our jobs, our parents, and all other things will keep you in line.
I could write on and on about the "what ifs" - but I'll leave it at that. I know that if you were to ask my parents (30 years), or my grandparents (both 60 years of marriage plus) they would both, without hesitation, tell you that their faith is what kept them together. They'd also tell you there have probably been many a time when they wanted to strangle their spouse - come on, don't we all? But when you look at the big picture, you have to remember the promise.
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteGreat thoughts!! I like your bit about finding it so odd that your youth pastor would say he loved his wife more than his kids. My parents are divorced (Chad was adopted as a baby by his aunt and uncle, who have now been married 48 years) and my dad always has and still says (he gave my stepsister and her husband this advice the day their daughter was born) that when he was married to my mom he had to put her first and she him, in order to be good parents and raise us girls together, as a family. I won't go into who gave up on that (hence now being divorced) but still... I think it is great advice and I will always try to remember that. My father and stepmother, on the other hand (going strong at 11 years!) put their kids first in their lives because we were all around prior to their relationship, but that was part of their deal in getting married, but I really like the advice of 2 parents putting their relationship and love for each other above that of them with their children.
I love this Abbz. You are such a great inspiration. You have amazing advice on relationships. I will post something lengthy at some point just don't have the time to sit by myself and spill right now. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI love you so much Ames. You're such a brilliant, gorgeous person, with an amazing heart. Thanks for the comment babe and I'm ALWAYS here for you!
ReplyDeleteAbbey I love you spirit and your outlook on life in general. I think you are wise beyond your years. As a child of divorce too (I guess that's what you call my situation), I have always been adamant that divorce is not an option for me either. I feel so stongly about it that I sometimes I bail too quickly on relationships because I feel like I might as well get out now while I still can, rather than wait until I'm "trapped" to be miserable. While I do believe I have made the right decisions in my past, this is a balance I struggle with. I love what your friend said about making a pact to stay together as long as one of them is working on the relationship. How wonderful! This is something I have never really thought of seeing as how I operate on more of a when I'm done, it's over sort of basis. (Not so good.) There is very wise advice in this post and I love knowing that you actually walk your talk when it comes to this topic. Yours and Chad's relationship is better for it. Even though you are not yet married, I see you two as a great example to all of us what can happen when two people truly commit to one another to stick it out no matter what comes your way.
ReplyDeleteAbbey,
ReplyDeleteYou know I loved this one. Since I feel like we talk about this topic daily, I know I have to post something. As most others mentioned, I also LOVE the idea of waiting 6 months as long as someone is still willing to try. It is easy to get frustrated and throw your hands up willing to give up on the relationship. But, as we both know, relationships are not an easy thing, be it romantic, friendship or family relationships. There have been several times with family, friends and significant others that I have been ready to throw in the flag. But, of course, now that I am on the other side of the fight I am so glad that I did not. I know that there have been issues going on within certain relationships (for us both) and I suggest we invoke the 6 month rule. :) (if you are confused, I will explain later)
Secondly, I love the notion to love your significant other more than anything or anyone, including children. When my parents split, my mom would always tell me that she stayed as long as she could because of us kids, that we were what kept her going when she was miserable. Well, you know I believe my mom to be one of the most intelligent human beings I know, BUT I made a personal vow to myself to never put myself through anything like that. Even if it means divorce, I will not sacrifice personal happiness for my children, especially when they can see their parent(s) are unhappy. I am a firm believer in strong, independent women. A marriage is between two people. As we all know, people grow and change. I dont believe in being tied to someone for a lifetime if things change and misery takes over your life.
Lastly, the only thing I dont think you discussed that we CONSTANTLY discuss is not judging relationships. Obviously everyone has different beliefs about how things should be. I dont feel it necessary to judge them for it if I disagree. I get angry with others when I know they deserve better but I am really trying to let that go because I dont know what goes on with others when they are alone and in their most intimate situations and conversations. It is a difficult thing to do but it is something I plan to work on every day to better myself as a person. :) Yet, that doesnt mean that if asked my opinion I wont tell the truth. haha.
Relationships... where to begin? First of all romantic relationships drive me crazy and strong friendships keep me sane. It is always important to be there for your friends and treat them well because when your world falls down around you, they are the ones who will be there to help you put the pieces back together.
ReplyDeleteI have changed and really grown as a person over the last two years. I've graduated college, moved in with my boyfriend for the first time, obtained a steady job and decided to get my masters. Not to mention my habits have really changed, I use to go out 4 or 5 nights a week, now I'm home fixing dinner and doing laundry every evening. I've been with the same person for two years and we have had our ups and downs. One of the ways that I have grown is learning to accept people's faults and mistakes. (Abbey has really helped me out with this). I have always been a stubborn person and I use to think that good relationships were picture perfect and always passionate, etc. I use to walk away from a relationship much more easily. If I was lied to or just felt like something wasn't right, I was ready to throw in the towel. This is the first relationship I have been in where I have seen the person daily, lived with them, did their chores, etc. So I learned quickly that my relationship couldnt always be a fairytale. I'm not a quitter anymore. People screw up, people make mistakes and get confused. I don't really believe in soulmates, that there is one person in the world you are meant to be with, but I do believe true love is hard to find. When you find true love with someone you should try your best to hang on. If two people love eachother and at least one of them is still willing to try and keep that love alive, then pull it together and work on it. It's better to waste a few months trying to make it work than saying goodbye too easy and regretting it for a lifetime.
Communication is so important, you should always be able to talk to your significant other and tell them if you feel there is a problem. The WORST thing you can do is bottle up your issues and distance yourself. That wont sovle anything; I have learned from experience. Both of you will end up building walls and before you know it you will be looking at eachother saying "what the hell has happened to us?". You HAVE to talk through your problems because trying to act as if they don't exist is toxic.
Stop and ask yourself sometimes: "Am I happy? Is this what I really want?" Some people just go through the motions, staying with the same person because they are comfortable and dont want to have to start over or be alone. If there are more bad times than good in your relationship and the problems persist, regardless of efforts to make things better, don't settle. Every day that you waste in misery could be a day spent with someone else who makes you happy.
I so appreciate these comments from you guys. I love this chat we've started. So good.
ReplyDeleteWhen my little sister (Amy) read this it made me realize that I really didn't want her to take from this that she should "stick it out" with someone who is shitty to her. She's 17. I meant this (obviously) for long-term relationships.
Like Megan and Casie, I don't believe in staying and being miserable... which is why I truly believe in the 6 month "rule" and the why I love the philosophy about if ONE of you is still trying, STAY. I feel like if you've followed BOTH of these outlines and you're still miserable, there's a good chance that the problems are deeper, and maybe it's time for both of you to move forward with your live separately. Let's HOPE this doesn't happen to any of us of course!
Megan, I too, am obviously a HUGE believer in strong independent women. You and Casie both know that I throw this adage out there often: Think of the decision you're making and if you would be okay telling your future daughter about that (and not be embarrassed, nor feel that she would look at you as weak or something she doesn't want to be) then go with it. Your future children will see and mimic the things you do and base their decisions on them. We all want to be great parents and role models, obviously, and I think about this in many decisions I make now (as you guys know, I pretty much see Chad as the father of my future children haha). When Chad and I have had problems and forgiven each other (I'm working on a post about forgiveness, second chances, jealousy, etc.) and vowed to work on things (and we have), I make sure that I would be okay with my daughter knowing these things. Does that make any sense at all or do I need to word this better?
The last thing I can say today is what I've said to my close friends MANY times...we women need to support each other now and throughout. It's a 2-way street, definitely. What I'm saying is that (unless you come to be and tell me you're getting the shit beat out of you every day, because in that case I'm going to force you to leave!) if my married friends confide in me problems they're having (as I'm sure we all will do, TO STAY SANE!) I am going to listen, nod, take it in, tell them they can stay at my place for the night, have a girls wine night, go get pedicures, eat tons of chocolate, etc. and THEN I'm going to say "now go home to your husband and work this out" BECAUSE that is exactly what I want and need in my friends--now and in the future (when I'm married). Is anyone else with me on this? Have you guys thought about this? I very well except me or my friends to come to each other with the "I f@#$!#ing hate him today" and we all need that vent time obviously, but I want friends who will take my problems as exactly what they are--problems which turn into building blocks in a long marriage, and nothing more. I want friends who will help me build up and support my marriage. I will be that friend to each of you... Amy, Chelsea, Megan, Casie, Emily, Sarah. I promise.
I don't mean to imply at all that I was encouraging anyone to stay in a relationship and be miserable. I would never try to suggest that I know what is best for someone else or someone else's relationship. Or even that there is one set rule that everyone should follow. I guess I was speaking more about my standards for my own relationships. I was also focusing on marriage more so than on a long term (6 year woo!) dating relationship. I agree with Sarah in that I believe there is more to marriage than simply making a public commitment to someone. I do believe that marriage is a lifelong covenant to not only your spouse but to God as well. That is my belief only and not at all a judgment on anyone who doesn't share my opinion. But this post is about relationships in general.. not just marriages and I would like to direct my comments back in that direction.
ReplyDeleteI think overall I was TRYING to agree with you that some people look for the wrong things to make them happy once their relationships have matured past the point of the lovey-dovey, butterflies-just-at-the-thought-of-the-other-person stage. I think once those giddy feelings have faded, or at least aren't as prevalent, people think that means the relationship has changed. When really it could just mean that your relationship has progressed to a mature place of respect and unconditional love. (Remind me to reread this next time I'm ready to drop a guy like it's hot.) I think my thoughts on this are so jumbled and hard to accurately describe. Best discussed in detail over a glass of wine, wouldn't you say?
If anything, I strive to be a support system for my friends whether they need to bitch for a little bit, or whether they need someone to celebrate with. And that will DEFINITELY carry into our married, child bearing, high powered, super successful, phenomenal lives.
OMG... I can't believe you thought I was implying that... I think no one is arguing anything on here... but rather expressing our own wishes and sentiments towards relationships. I am 100% in agreement with you and Sarah towards the staying together/divorce not being an option thing. Chad and I have always said that during fights "divorce" or "splitting up" will not be thrown around... and I remember during some of our first fights Chad impressed me because he would look at me and say "okay... we aren't going to break up over this and we're probably going to be just fine tomorrow, so let's just move on from this fight now"... I loved that confidence. The ONLY time I wouldn't impress on a friend my sentiment of sticking with it is if abuse was taking place... that's my honest belief, as of now. Who knows how our opinions will change? Anyway... you know my feelings on cheating, forgiveness, and the like and I'll write all of that in a post all to itself, but I'll go ahead and say that I would never tell a friend not to at least TRY to work it out after a spouse cheated. THAT'S JUST ME. Anyway... I'll be reminding you of all of this in your next relationship ;).
ReplyDeleteAlso, Emily... GLASS of wine? Bottle please!
ReplyDeleteHaha, Abbey everyone probably thinks we are fighting now.
ReplyDeleteJust so everyone knows I wasn't "calling Emily out" lol...I texted her last night because I truly feel like she and I are 100% in agreement on this issue and I was afraid she was reading me differently haha. No biggie.
ReplyDelete